


Wandering Triangle

by roseverdict



Category: Gravity Falls, Wander Over Yonder
Genre: Body-Snatching, Bodyswap, Enjoy anyway!, Possession, also tags are very VERY evil, and bill well, in a naive sort of way, like I CAN'T DO THIS evil, sylvia is ticked off, wander is a frigging BOSS, ya see bill bit off more than that eyemouth of his can chew
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-05 07:34:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6695614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseverdict/pseuds/roseverdict
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A crosspost from tumblr based on a few comic posts!<br/>http://glittercrown.tumblr.com/post/143246540828/cipher-makes-a-grave-mistake-taking-over-the-only<br/>http://celebi9.tumblr.com/post/143253260920/wander-will-do-whatever-it-takes-to-help-bill<br/>Summary: Wander and Sylvia are on an adventure to Atlant-15! But when Dominator is there already, Wander goes down to help any Atlantians he might find, and finds someone of the isosceles persuasion. Unable to find Sylvia, he makes a deal. And then proceeds to be very Wandery about it.</p><p>OR</p><p>In which Bill has no idea who this furball is and underestimates him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet The Prantagonist!

**Author's Note:**

> HEY I'M ALIVE OKEY LET'S GO GO GOOOOO

Wander plucked at his banjo. “Hey, Syl, when d’ya think we’ll get to the next planet? I wanna see the sights o’ Atlant-15!”

Sylvia turned her head as she kept walking forward. “Well, it shouldn’t be far now. You’re really excited about going here, aren’t you?”

“Sure am!” he grinned. “It feels like it’s been an ETERNITY since I’ve been there!”

Sylvia chuckled and turned back to the front of their little orbble. “It’s been some time since we saw Atlant-16, so it should pop up right about...now!” Wander turned and watched as the planet slid out from behind an asteroid.

As well as Lord Dominator’s ship.

“WHOA, WANDER, HOW DID SHE GET HERE SO FAST?!” Sylvia yelped, backpedaling their orbble to their side of the asteroid.

“I donno, Syl, but those people down there need savin’!” Wander declared, running down to the planet in a separate orbble.

“Wander! BUDDY!” Sylvia yelled. “WAIT FOR ME!” She sped after him, avoiding laser blasts and debris flying from the planet. In the midst of all the chaos, she lost sight of her tiny companion. “Wander?!”

“WAAANDEEER?!”

* * *

 

Wander’s orbble popped 5 feet above the ground, sending him tumbling down what used to be a house. He rolled to a stop mere inches from a recently made cliff, then scrambled back to the ruins of the wall.

“Syl! Can you believe this?! The paint on this house is old! Lemme fix that...” Wander pulled an already-prepped paintbrush from inside his hat and went to work on the house. He’d gotten about a third of a wall done when he realized...

“Sylvia?”

Wander turned around to find Sylvia, except she wasn’t there.

“Syl?”

He tossed his paintbrush back into his hat and started to search.

“...Syl..?”

He noticed the landscape becoming dreary and gray, but before he could remark on the strangeness of this, he heard a weird, staticky buzzing.

Buzzing that sounded remarkably like laughter.

“AḨA̡͘H̴̀A͜HAHA͡͡H̡ĄH͏̕͞À̛͝Ḩ̵́A̸H͜͏͏A̧͜!”

Wander turned back to the house, and in the triangle of the roof, an eye opened. The eye floated down to Wander’s eye-level, then began dripping shadows, until it’s full shape was revealed.

It was a triangle with an eye, two arms, two legs, a bowtie, and a weird bricky tattoo-y thing across it’s lower half.

“O͡͝H͘͜!̷͏͟ ́͢͠Ó͡H҉̧!̴̧ ̀TH͘IS̷͜ ̛IŚ ҉D҉̵͠I̡F͝FER͝E͘͞NT̀́!͘͟͏ ̡WHE̛͡R̕͏E̡͜͜ ҉̀A̛M͟ ͏̷Ì̀?”

“Why, you’re on Atlant-15!” Wander answered. “I’m called Wander, and this is...or well, I have a friend named Sylvia. No idea where she is though. I’d recommend ya get off the planet though. Lord Dominator’s destroyin’ it right now.”

The triangle blinked. “I̷ ̸̸͝M̸U͢S̶T͏͟͞ ̀̕H̀͞Á̧҉V̸E҉ ̵̛͠B̛̛E̴È͘N͜ OƯ͠T̵ ̕O͝F͏ ̢̀҉I҉T̷ ̸F̧͝OŔ̀͘ ̷A̧̢͝ ̛͟͞Ẃ̧H͏I̴̧LE̕!̷͡ ͘͡WHA̵T̷͝ ͏Ì͞S̶ ́T̢̢͝H̷̀ÍS ̡GÁ͢L̶͝͠A̡͟X͘͡͝Ý͏̢ ̶͡Ć̀͝A̴L̶LĘ͏D͡?͢͠”

Wander blinked. “Ya know, I don’t think we have a name for it. Do you want some help?”

The triangle nodded. “S̵͟ŲRE,̨͡ ͟S͏͝T͘͞͡A̷Ŕ̶͘-͘͏̵E̛Y̡̨̡E̷̸S̴͘͡-̡̕͝I̢̢͜ ͟M̛͟͞E͠҉͢A̸͜͡N̢̕,̷ ̵W̡A̢N̛͢͡D̛͞E͘R̶̡͟! ̨͟Y̵OU̡ ͢H҉̸Ę͘L̴P̵̡ ̨M̛͘E ͏̸O̵U̴̵T͞͠,̵̢̡ Á̸N̷͜D̀ ͞I'̨͠L̡L̴͞ H̛EL͟͞P̷͏ ̨Y̨͜͟ǪU̕ ͝F̷͠͡Ì̸͞Ń̡D̨ ͜ÝƠU̵͟Ŕ͞ ̛F̶҉R͠Ì͜͢E̶̷N͢D̵̨,̛͟ S͡YL̛̀V̶̡͞A͜͞N̸҉I̷̸̧Á͘!͟ ͏̡͜DO̡̨ ̕̕W̛E̵͢ ̷̀H͘͠A̡V҉E̸ ̴A̸̧ ̴̶̛D̨͞E̶̡͝Ą̀͞L̶͟?̨͟” It stuck out its hand.

“Sure thing, Mister Triangle!” Wander took it and shook it. “But her name is Sylvia.” Then a thought occured to him. “Hey, I told you about all this, but I still got no clue what your name is!”

“O͟͡H͏, ͞YE̡̕S̶,̕͜ ̧̡HǪ̕Ẃ ̨R̴̵͢UD̸̨̛E͏̴͟ ́͘͞OF̧ ̵͜M͢Ȩ!̧ ́͝T̕H̀Ȩ̢ ҉N̷̵̨A̶͡MÉ'͘͡͞S̛ ̀B̸Į̴L̷L͢!̕̕ B̲̦̠̥̘͔̳̌̎̐ͫͣ̓̾͛͋ͅI̞ͦ́͊͠L̨̺̯͕̰̟͚̉̌̏̈̆ͣ͜L̵̩͕̯̦̯͍͕̓͂̚͘͠ ̘͚̓͌̈́͑͐ͅC̷͔̰̼͙̭̰͎̊̔̚I̷̜͔ͤͭ͑̊͑̉͋̚P̢̳͙͖̼ͨ̀͠͠H̨̙̦̭͖͇̯ͣ͋̊̿E̶͈̝͇͌ͩ̒͟R̗̪̼̔̋͋ͪ̓!͈̲̖͉̲̪̻̘͊̋̈́̅ͧͨͥ̊” The tria-er, _Bill_ , cackled.

“Bill Cipher? I’ve heard stories about you!” Wander gasped.

“O͠F̧̨ ̶̧͟CÒ̵Ù̕Ŕ̴S̕͡͏E҉ ̀͠Y͜͡OU H̷̷A̡V̴̛͢E! ̕͝A͢N͡Ḑ̛̀ ́͟Y͘O͏Ư̡ ҉C̨AN̴ ̵̢͠HE̵L̡͟P̧͡ M̴͡E ̷̛̀O̢̕UT͘ ̸͜B̧͠Y͜ L̕E͢T̨T̷̛́͟͠I̢͜N̨̛͢G̛̛͞ ̷͞M̸̸̢҉E͠҉͘͡͏ ̵̕I͏̴N̵̛͞͝͡T̛̕͢O͘͝ ̢͠Y̴҉͝O҉͜͜͜Ư̢̛͢R̵̢̕͝͝ ̧̛̕͞B̶̀̕O҉͜D͘̕͡҉Y̴̵̵͜!͘͏̷͘͢” Bill’s already-distorted voice warbled into screeching laughter.

“Well, I know more ways to help ya then that!” Wander yelled back, determined.

“C͠Á͢N͜ ̧̛҉I͞T̸ ̶̀͝S̀͢H̡̡Ơ̢R҉T S̡̛T́U̴̧F҉̶͏F̡͟!̡ I͏'͘M̕͝ ͝҉G͘O͠I͢͟N͝͠G͢͠͞ I̷̡̧N͢!̵͝” Bill shouted, then yanked Wander out of his own body and forcing his way inside. Wander dashed for his hat, taking control of it as Bill began laughing even louder.

“H̰A̘̼̬̦͙̳̘H̭͉̦̦̭A̩H̟A̲̗̹̹͕H̪͈̹̦͚A̯̠̬ ̙̩͙F̬͙͙I̙N͕̬̣̖̟A̜̻̥̰̣L͓̤̗̞L͇̯̘̯Y̲̻̳!͚̘̜ ̩͙͙̙Ṱ̗̼H̝͓͈E̼̜̟͈ ̘P̪̖O̜̦̺̫W̙͎̭͉̹E̩̙̹̣̘̥ͅR̟̯̞ ͚̟͙̬̹Ṭ̫͎̥͚͇Ọ ̟T͙̫͔͙R̦̘̮A̮̟̝̩̗̼ͅVER̙S̯E͇̤͎̫̤̪ G͕A͓̠̗̼̦L̠͔͚A̻͎̙͍X͈̠I̜E͉̤͖͎S ͚͍͍̘̫͎I̗̪͔̰̳̟S̫̞̥͈̞̭ ̺̮͎͈̖M͓̠͖I̖̺͔͈N͈̫͍ͅE͇!̬̮͎̼” Bill-Wander cackled. Wander-Hat shoved his banjo into Bill-Wander’s hands before leaving the hat and jostling back into his own body.

Bill-Wander jolted, then looked down at his (stolen) hands. “W̝͎̩͈͈H̥͍Y ̟̯͖̳̝A̻M̱͍̫ ̦͙̻͙̻ͅI͇̞͔̱ ͚̮̺̪͖̜̺H͙͍O̦̖̥͇LD͕͎̺̰̫ͅI̗͍̯̞̼̦N̼̺̯̠̳̬G͕͔̙͚̜̟̳ ͍̻̝̣̗͍͉A͇͖͚͎ͅ BA͙̩͚̞̟͙̖NJ̞̣O̗̪̬̩?”

“Because, Mister Cipher, this is _my_ body, and if you’re gonna take it, you should learn to play the banjo just as well as me!” Wander’s voice echoed through his head.

“A̻N̻̠D͔ ̲̦W̭Ḫ͇̜͉̗͕Y̘͓̬̭̫ ̪W̞̠̞̖̟O̗̺̦U̙͈͖̫L͙D̰ ̬̼͔̭̙̲͈I͈̟̼̺̻ N̤̱̦EE͙͙͙ͅD͈͈̫ T͕̲O̰̱̱ ̰͍͙̳̩̦L̖̘̝ͅEA͖̰̹̳̘͓̻R̤̳̺N̦̙̹ ͓͇̜̤T̝͇̠͇̪ͅO̻̰͙̼ P̯̯ͅL̥̲͔̯A͕͔͈̠Y͖̥ ̺̝̱T̰̱H̳͔͇͇E͎̲ ͍̦͎̯̖̤̜B̹̖̙̯̣ͅA̙̱̫͈̳͖N̥̞͚͍̼̩J̟̳͚O ̙͉ͅT̖̬̹O͙͈̻͇ ̜̺̪͔̤̖K̠͇͈͎̖Ḛ͍̱̜E͕̻P̥̯̳̣ ͉̻T͓̰̞̪H̖̤̰̼̹I̦̪͙̲̦̙S̟̣̪ M͇̜̺̗̫̼̩E̪̞Ḁ̹̺̣͓̟T̬S̗̺̜̗̬͉A͇̳C̮͚̺͔K̺͙̖̫̙͉̰?̦̭͔̯̠̙“ Bill-Wander snarked.

“Because everyone that’s gonna help someone has to be good at calming people down! And since you said you were gonna help me find my pal, Sylvia, you’re gonna help someone!” Wander’s voice explained, audibly smiling.

“W̞̦H̫̬̰͓̲̰̜A̝̼͙̯T̞̲̠ͅ?̞̻̥͖̙̞ ̩̥͖͚̥E̞̠W̼͖̹̦!̬ͅ ͉̩̺̭̤N̲̥̼̺̮O! Ḽ̬̮̪͎͚ͅE̲̼Ṯ̟͖̳̘̫ ͓̦̯̗̺̳ME͈ O̡̟̤̣̬̼̠̭͞U҉̖̭̥̗̰̳͙T̨̰̤̯̯͘ͅ Y̲̥O̞̳ͅU̩̣ ̮F̮̳͎͓U̱R̠̩ͅR̜̦̟̳̼̙Y̮ ̤̦͎̭J̭͚͈̩̬̼͉EṞ͕̹K͔̼̳!̣̟̹”

“No can do, Mister Cipher!” Wander regained control of his arms and feet, then began to play his banjo. “I’m gonna help you be a better person! Even if it takes forever!”

In frustration, Bill-Wander screamed into the sky. “N҉̢͏͈͖̣͎̺̗͓̮͉͟O̕͏̵̥̤̝̘O̧͍̥̦̣̘̭͖̯̼͓͉͈̙͖̙̖̻͘Ơ̴̭̪̘̱͖̭̼͡Ơ̵̫̪͈̰̩͎͙O̴̩̟̘̹̠̣̻̻̗͘͜Ờ͙͙̻̱͚̮͔́O͏̵͏̗̮͉̤͇̰͔̖̱̻͖͙ͅO͘͏͔̻̘̣̣̮͍͕̝͔̭̼̩̥̹̱͟ͅͅO̡͏̡̺̳̦̱̗͘!̨͙͙͖̖͉̱̻͈̻̝͝!̷̧̧͍̙̮̦̗͇͜͝!̧͔͚͓̫̖͜!͢͠҉̶̛̰̟̫̭̫̤͙̳!̨͝͏̟̘̲̻͍̤̤͔”

End Part 1


	2. Did Somebody Say Sylvania?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drawn by the wacked-out scream of her buddy, Sylvia rushes to his rescue to find something...she did not expect. At all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, SO MANY PEOPLE LIKE MY DERPING *hugs*
> 
> aHEM OKEY THAT NEVER HAPPENED
> 
> TIME FOR A SHOWDOWN LET'S GO GO GOOO
> 
> AGAIN!

Sylvia whipped her head around, frantically searching through the smoke for her friend. "WANDER?! BUDDY?!" She spun around, worried out of her mind when she heard-

"N҉̢͏͈͖̣͎̺̗͓̮͉͟O̕͏̵̥̤̝̘O̧͍̥̦̣̘̭͖̯̼͓͉͈̙͖̙̖̻͘Ơ̴̭̪̘̱͖̭̼͡Ơ̵̫̪͈̰̩͎͙O̴̩̟̘̹̠̣̻̻̗͘͜Ờ͙͙̻̱͚̮͔́O͏̵͏̗̮͉̤͇̰͔̖̱̻͖͙ͅO͘͏͔̻̘̣̣̮͍͕̝͔̭̼̩̥̹̱͟ͅͅO̡͏̡̺̳̦̱̗͘!̨͙͙͖̖͉̱̻͈̻̝͝!̷̧̧͍̙̮̦̗͇͜͝!̧͔͚͓̫̖͜!͢͠҉̶̛̰̟̫̭̫̤͙̳!̨͝͏̟̘̲̻͍̤̤͔"

"WANDER! I'M COMIN' BUDDY, HANG ON!" She yelled to the voice, already whirling through the wreckage like a tornado. She sprinted to what was probably once a front yard to see something...

Not right.

Flapdrazzin' lubzork, what the FLORP?!

Wander was struggling against...himself...and...shouting...ancient...curses...to...the...sky...

WHAT.

Also his eyes were slits and the whites were yellow.

"L̷̯͕E̜̪̣̭͞T̶̜͔͙͉̬̥ ̯M̲̜E̪͔̠̖ͅ ͏T̷̯͈H̢̤̳̘̫͙̪E̵̤̝̣͙̮ ̸̻̩̱͇̠F̨͔͎̺͉U͇͙̺-̟͈̦̻"

"NOPE! No more bad words are gonna come outta MAH mouth!"

"A̧͔͍͍̪̹̯̱R̴͓̮̯̠̙G͙̬͙̜̻̟͜H̸̺̜͕̯̫̲͇!͓̯͎̀"

"...Wander?"

Wander(?) snapped his head around to face Sylvia. "Oh, hi Syl! Would you believe it, I found Bill Cipher here!" His eyes fidgeted a bit before his tone changed. "TE̦͘Ḷ̤̜͕̺̝̝L͏͈ ̹̖͔̭̦͠ͅỴ͔͚͜O̼͚̹͜U̞̖̞͎R̺̙͎ ̷̠̗̹P͍͈͡A̻̣̠̫͙̜L̳L͎̦͓̻͚Y̦̤͞ ̛̮͙̫H͘E҉̙̰̱R̟̩͈̤͇̹̘̕E̡̼̤̜̩̥ ̛̺T̘̞́O̷ͅ ̴̪̲L̸̗̼͇ͅE̳̗̮̘̹͕̫T̠ ̬̗͢M͉E̙ ̢̟̺͕̻͙Oͬ̄ͪ̕U҉T͖͉̫̳̑̓ͬ̏ͯ,̗̙̺͔̪ SA̷͕̘DD̕L̠̙̯͕͈̬͝E̳̘̬B̨̰̟̜̳̗A̵͖̣̞G̛͇̱̰̤̙S̼̝!̞͕"

Sylvia stood there, dumbfounded. "What. Just. Argh. You're Bill Flarping Cipher, aren't ya? Supposedly all-powerful dream demon? Get out of my friend right now." Her fists clenched, her instincts clashing.

PUNCH THE EVILDOER

But he's in her best friend!

PUNCH HIM

But Wander could get hurt!

"Syl, I'm fine in here, really!" He sputtered, then, "S̴̜͚̹̬͔͘P̘̳̭͇E͕̦̯̮͖͇̞͟A̶͙̯͈K̥̻̰̪̮̙͙ ̢̟̳̭̜̺̬̥͓̥͜F̶̪̩̩̘͎̮̀Ọ̧̧͕̼̦R͏͈̣̤͓̺̰̹̜̘̕ ̶̦̳̫͞Y̱͖̹̟̭̳̲͢O͙̺͉͓̭̜̠̕͜͞U̯͈͓̝̭͜R̸̪̫͔̥̣̖̘͟ͅͅS̡̳̥̖̭̦̮̘͕͟͝E҉̠̟̤̘͟L̷̜͙̘̹̫̱͍̱̰͞F̭̙̣̝͘͝,̭̲̭ ̨͍͕̯̣̪͎̞̕S̵͇̫̝̕͞T̝A̘͔̗R̛͔̯̫̝͜͞-̤͈͈̝̭Ḛ͔͚̠̬̤̺̭́Y̙͙̟̝̻̖̪̱͙E̵̻̠͉͍̞̫̣͜ͅS̟͎̟̬̹̦̫̯̫!͙̣̟̜̘͍́͠" Sylvia noticed his eyes flicker between sweet Wander eyes and harsh Bill eyes.

Migraine, migraine, go away, never come back here, okay?

"Look, Bill-Wander-person," ugh she sounds so crazy how is this even a THING "if you guys don't separate, we're gonna be stuck as a group of three. Now while Wander would probably enjoy that-"

"Why I sure would!"

"-Bill wouldn't, and I for one can't keep overlooking him calling me 'Saddlebags.' So please. Split."

When nothing happened, Sylvia looked Billder (Wanpher? Cider? Yeah, Cider.) in the eyes. "To Wander, sorry about this. To Cipher-" She stormed forward and grabbed Cider, pulling back her other fist. "GET OUT OF MY BUDDY!"

"T̺̭̙̬͎̲̪E̦̱̻̳̗͍̩L̹̥͍L͏̞̹̖̻͓ ̥͚̫̝̘̗̖TH͔̻̙̜̬̖̹A͓͚T̻͓̮̲͖͖̀ͅ ̷̮͇̘̮̪̣T̹̰̣̮̬O̡̱͙͉̟̭ ̫̫H̨̫͖͖̫̰̹͍I̵̹͜͡M̵̙͚̟͉̀!͏̼̙̮͈̣̜́" Cider snarled, then his (their?) left eye went back to normal as he (they) told her, "I'm sorry Sylvia, but I have to help him become a better person! Even if it takes me forever!"

Sylvia fought back the Most Definitely Not Tears as she dropped him (ah screw it, one body, they're a he) to the ground. "Fine! You're BOTH getting off this rock with me! In case we'd forgotten, Dominator! 'Nuff said!" She took Wander's hat. "This stays with me until I'm sure Billtard doesn't try anything!" She whipped up an orbble around the two/three of them. "Let's get outta here!"

As they prepared to take off, a small cry came from inside the house's remains. One look in Cider's currently-fully-Wander eyes, and Sylvia ripped away the debris to save the child. She couldn't tell its gender, but its parents were Decidedly Not Around And Wander Shouldn't Look Inside This House, so she walked back into the orbble with it.

"NOW LET'S GO!"

She grabbed Cider's hand as they pulled up from Atlant-15. The baby was clinging to Sylvia's saddle, and it (who was really a she but it was pretty much impossible to tell yet) was the only one to see the planet split in two.

Well, the baby was gonna have nightmares now.

\-----

They had settled down on the night side of Zubweet-2 for some rest. The Zubweet system hadn't yet felt Dominator's power, so the night was peaceful.

In Bill's opinion, that was horrible.

"W̗̫̫̣͇̰͓͟H̲̖A̯̲T͞ ̡͕̰D̳̤̣̙͕O͚͇̞̘̮ Y̜̤͈͜ͅO͈̞̥̯U̼ ̤̺̞̱͡M̪̤̮̤E͝A̛̠͔̣N̯̬͙̫̫͇,́ ͇N̶̰̖̣ͅO̡̞͍ ̯͖A͈̬͖R̲͎͝S̪̟O͍̻̖Ṇ̙͇̙ ̞̦̮̳͝I̞͎͕̞̞̯͞N̸̬̮̻̱͖ T̝̪H̕E͇̳͚ ̝V͍̩̞̦̳I̫̟̞̮̺ͅͅL̡̖̯̳̜̖͉L̡̦̩̤̺̝̤A̩͖Ģ̰͙̠̼̳E̦̣̥̖͔͙͢?͏̲̯̱̻"

In everyone else's, it was wonderful.

"Shut it, dorito, I'm trying to sleep."

"Aguguuu, ibababibebo!"

"Mister Cipher, that's not helping anyone! And my 'meatsack' needs its beauty Z's!"

Well, it would have been peaceful, anyway.

Sylvia put out the campfire yet again. "Listen, demon nacho, if you tire out Wander, you'll have a dilemma on your hands."

Cider rolled his eyes. "O̪̠̤̬̘̕H̝̗ ̼͎͔͈͙̞̱B̺̖͉͕͞E̘̙̭̩̳͓͍Ḷ̵I̖͟E̗͈V̜̟͞E̳͟ ̨̪͇̣͉̳M̢̯̱͖̯̣E̯̲,̺̘͖̤͎͈͡ ̙͙͔̟̜̕I͔̳͙̬̙͎̜ K̛N̦̗̤OW̜̹̥̖͎̱̗!̱̫͚̬͇̬͙"

The baby gurgled happily. "Obibaaa...BOBYBAIM! BOBYBAIM! BOBYBAIM!"

Cider blinked, then Wander grinned. "Gee, Mister Cipher, it sounds like baby wants storytime!"

He blinked again, but this time Cider-eyes opened. "Y̳̳͙̗̝O͖̗̤̤̱̦̺Ụ̭ ̧̰̳̞G̀Ų̭̤̣Y̬̞S̟̟̹̝̥̗͍ ̧̼̫A̱̣̲͇R͕̭E͎̼̠Ņ̺̦̘̲'T͍͖̳̱̘͓͎ G͍͍ͅO̰̝̯͓N̷N̺̠̲̱̖̬̺A̷̠̱̰̮ ̭̱̥L̲̮͟E̷͔̳̻͍̖ͅT̺͍̞͈͞ ̠̳̺M͉̻̱̝E̲͠ ̙̬L̸̩̪̤̱̱ͅI͇̜̰͙G̴͎̲̮͉͇H̹̣T̪ ̹̯T̙̲̖̥H̟̼E͏̤̗͉ ͘T̜̟̹͉̭̠͈O̲͞W̘̩̜̭̘̠͓N͏̤ ̯̲O͓̜̲̤͇͈̤͞N̷͎̹͙̱ ̶͓̯̝͎̬F̡̻̥I̢̩̺̥R̶͍̗̗̭̩̭̻E͍̙̯͖͇̼͚,͎̺̠ ͚̳͎͖͕Ạ͉̱̠̤̬R͙̬̼E̸̹ ̟̩͖͔͎̲̬͘Y̫̫̺̪͘A̸̤̯̜̫?̭̰͖"

A pointed look from Sylvia answered that question.

"F͜I̜̠̯̺̳ͅN̛͓͚E̳͟,̵̹̯̘̬̖̼ ̹Ḭ̰̥'̧̗̖M̹̘̩ ̬͕̱̰͍B̶̫͕͉OR̰̫͎͓͚ͅE͇̘͠D̤̭͓̝̀ ̥̻͡A̵̯̳N͙̰͍̯̕Y͉̠̮̪̹̞W͔͚̭ͅḀ͔̹̹́Y̗̖͉!͖̼͙̭" Cider leaned up against a tree.

"S̙O͉͚̲̬̜̙ ̗͙̟̫͚̼T́H̜̭̰͎̭ͅE͝R͔E͢ ҉̪͙̦̹W̴͎A̰̘̝͎̫̼͙͜S͕̘͖̖̪̗ ̺͢TH̫I̠̮̤͚̫̲͡S͚̼ ̹̰̫͔P̳UN̛͕̝̘̠Y̦̖̙̠̪ ̳̼̬͎͈͓ͅTO̮̺͍̣̝̼ͅW̞͈̫̣N̡̥͙ ͙̗̣͇͔͓͜C̵͎̩͈͓̱ͅA̬͙͈̜̝L̠̫͡L͓͈̪̩̝̙̯E҉̯͕̹̖̩͎D͓̖͔̼ ̵̼͈̪͇͓'̮̝G̹R͍̭̬͚Ạ̻͍̙̠̮V͍̤̱̱̪̻͇I̜̤͇͇̕ͅT̩̠͉̥̥͜Y̠̝̗͍̘̞ ̤͢F̤͖Ạ͍̥̮͔̞L̜̳L̨̦̬̗̟͕̭͇S͙̭̯͍̭̭͓'̮̬͇͎͚̙͞ ̡̤̣̜̟̙͕A̱̞̥͇̝̻N̻̘̮̱D̢̜̹̭͉̰̠̭..̪͞.̨̲͍̼̠̘"

\-----

Bill looked up at the stars. After his Sock Opera story, Saddlebags and the baby (he hadn't thought of an annoying nickname yet) had curled up together and fallen asleep. Star-Eyes had snuggled next to them, and by falling asleep, had let Bill out.

But he was still stuck.

Stupid deal.

He was trapped in Star-Eyes's mindscape with no way out. He couldn't even conjure one up.

Even in sleep, the wandering weirdo wasn't letting him out.

So Bill snuck around, watching some of Star-Eyes's memories play out.

(Honestly, some of them were pretty hilarious. Seriously, that whole 'helpless' part of him was comedy GOLD!)

Now he was floating around in one of many, many memories of walking through the cold, dark vacuum of space.

What did Star-Eyes see in this place?

It certainly wasn't the Milky Way, with what the humans had called "Earth."

[i wonder where Pyronica and the gang are]

Bill wanted to find out if anyone in this galaxy had any of his symbols. Star-Eyes and Shooting Star would probably have gotten along great before he came into the picture.

[but if my hunch is right the milky way is long gone now isnt it]

Ha, Sixer would have enjoyed this whole thing with Star-Eyes and Saddlebags, all the notes he could take!

[but he was stupid and didn't accept my deal when it was the best thing that could have happened to him]

He might have been an almost-all-powerful dream demon, who at one point had infinite power, but-

[but i miss home]

-he wished he could still screw up the Pines's lives on a daily basis.

[i wonder if any of these people are related to the pines family or their friends]

He reached out to access his infinite knowledge, but slammed into a mental barrier-the same that was keeping him inside this weirdo's mind.

[oh come on]

Hm. Bill decided that if trying to bluntly force his way out wasn't going to work, then he would watch and wait.

Watch and wait for Star-Eyes to inevitably slip up.

And then-

[this new galaxy will be mine for the taking]

-well, he would certainly enjoy his powers again, that's for sure.


	3. Eyeballs and Burgers and Demons, Oh My!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sylvia watches as Wander is Wander, Bill is Bill, and Baby is Hungry. 'Nuff said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH hey look, I wrote another thing! LET'S GO GO GOOOOOOOO̓͆ͦͪͣ̍̓̑̏ͧ̌̌̚O̽̓͊̌ͮ͐̉̿̂O͒̌̑̄̿̈́̐̃ͤ̄̿ͮ̈́̿̀̚Òͬ̅̈̑͊ͨ̽ͭ̔͊̅̚O̔ͪ̾͒̍̓͑͊̑͑̄̏ͦ͂̃ͮ̚Oͧ̑͛̽̒̅͆̏̾Ȍͯ͂̀̎͂͐͛͌̒ͧOͬ́̀͊͐ͦ̌͛ͮO̐ͨ̉̈́͌̇͊͒̄ͥ̃̐̓ͨ̓̉ͪ̈́̂O̿̈́̎͒͌̏̀̎O̐͋ͭͮ͌̋́ͭͤ͌̓ͦOͭ̿͛̅̑̑ͪ͋̂̓ͫͮỎͭ̈́ͨ̏̊O̒̓͆̉ͦͦ͌Ö́ͩ͛̌̍̾ͥ̄̈̍ͨÒ̀̒̏̐̂̒̒ͥ̉ͥ̉̑̆͗Oͪ̑̈́͐̒͊ͮ̋ͨ̑͌̒̒ͪO̍̌̓̔͌̊ͤͥ͂̆̂̓Oͦ̊́̏̈́̽ͯ̇̉ͩ̐ͨ̿̃̉ͤ̔͌̚Oͨ̇̋͐ͨͯ̍ͩͣO͐̍̃ͤ͂̈́̉̈̃̀̍̒͛̌̊O̾ͦ̄̐͐̇́͋ͨ̅ͣ̊̾Ő͂̔͊ͣ͊̍́Oͥ́ͭͩ́́͂̎̀̽O̒ͬͩ̑̀̽̐ͯͧ͛Ő̿̅̈̇̚!

Sylvia woke to the Atlant-15 baby crying, with Cider struggling to do something to help.

"Oh, it's okay babyyy, don't worry, your Uncle Wandie'll make it aaallllll better!" Wander smiled, then Bill forced his way onto Cider's face. "A̳̝͙̞̥͉̲Ṉ̖͓D̫̲̺̭̞ͅ ͓̠̻̦̞̼͇̣̫T̪̺̲H͉͕̬E̮͓̼̗͇̲N͓͈̗̺̜͓͇ͅ ̹̖͎̥͖͓ͅḄ̗͙͚̗̼I̹̮͙̱ͅͅḶ̤͓̟̼̲̣̞L̪̜̬̮͖̲̲̘ ̰̪͕̬̠͕C̪̮̩̝̹̙I̝̱̱̭̪̗ͅP̺̣̘̠H͉̺̪̩̖Ḛ̱̗̳̪̝̤R̰͈̖̘ ͎͖̬͇͖͍̮ͅͅW̪̩̼I̼̣̗̮̘̠̗Ḽ̭L̤̲̟͎̭̜̥ ͚̠R͉̼͕͙U̪͖̩̻I͓̣̖N̜̦͖̣̭̥̮ͅ ͍̻I͙̼T̼͓̻̞̠̳̮̩!̼̜̜"

Sylvia picked up the crying child, gently patting its back. "Cipher, I swear I will find a way to punch your lights out while keeping Wander safe if you don't GIVE IT A BREAK!"

Cider folded his arms and huffed. "O͕̲̟͖H͕̘̙̥,̪̟̰̲ ̖̫͈̥̗̹̣̥ͅS̮̞̰̮̼͉͙̳ͅP̳̮A͕̖̝̼̥͉̝͉͇R̰̫̯̥̰ͅͅE͉̞̤̮̬͎͍ͅ ̜̖̭̝͈̫̼M͉͍̖ͅE̗,̫͙̜͕͉̠̬ ̥̠̜S͚̣A̮̼͈̝͈̥̟͔D̝̰͚͉D͕͓L̦͉͉̱͙̲͔̰E͍̲̻̹̩͖Ḇ̘ͅA͎͇̣̳̲̯̲̭̰G̜̻͚S̤̥͕͔̺ͅ!͕̤͚ͅ ͓͙̝̝͔Y͓̺̘̘̤̰̭͙O̝͙̰͈̳U̼̝̜͕̹̮͎̳ ̹͉̖S̩͓̫̮̭̲̗Ḥ͉O͕̟U͎͚L̯͖̞̱̫D̼̠̮̹ ̥̻͇͈̜̣B̫̠̻E̞̳̹ ̮̙͎̞̲H̙̲͇̞̙̪̦͇̝A̙͈͉̤̯̪P͍̼̳̠̬̤͇͓̭P̬͙̥̯͍Y͚ ̗̙͇͈̠̖T̟̖̮̱O̝̻̣̦̭ ̱͓͎̺̮K̭͓̫̫̫̱͓̙̰N͕̦O̥̲͓̤̹͕W͎ͅ ̻̙̤̟̳̙̻ͅI͕̟̹̼̫'͇M̜͇͚̙͖̫ ̤S͎Ṱ͍̬̹ͅU͇͔̟̮͍͕͇̤C̻͓̳̳͈͎͈̰K̦̫̼͖̱̜ ͇̻̜̮̙̝I͓͈̱͓̤̤̰̠N̳̠ ̻̠̮͕̙̦̼H͙̲͖̻̞̯̰E̺̞̜͇̩R̰̤̺̜E̖ ̱A̤̰͖̺̼͍S̩͙ ̳̺͙̝̲̜̝I̞F̰̪̩̮̻̳͙ ̠͈̬̼͔̝I̟̩̮̹͖̦̪ͅṰ̳̼̹̠̘ͅ ͔̳W͓̗̼̳͓͍̯ͅͅẸ̖̱̜̬R̦͚Ḛ̬͈ ͔̜͚̙͚͎Ạ͚̥̫̬̭ ̯͎̯͎̬̹̙D̗̬̣̲̭̳̱̫R̜̗̱̬̦͕̥ͅE̙A̘̼̜͕̯͚̫̪M͇̙̜̩̬C̬̥A̱̲͈̝̖̬T̝̞̪͚̺C͎̩̙H̤̞̯̳̟̗̹E̬̙̲͈͎̺̞͈R̺͍͔̤͈̤͉̞̩!̜̦͓̝̘͇̻̹"

Wander came back to the forefront. "Come on, Mister Cipher, this is a great opportunity to learn how to help people!"

"Ụ̹̙̘̥̫̥G̲̖͓ͅH͉͓̭̞̟̝̯̰,͕̘̦̲͎ ͎̜̙̳̪̩̣͇F̦̙I͉̼͕̳̯̖̟͎N̜͚͈̦͇̺̼͔E̻̟̠̺.̻̬͙̞ ̪͈̪͚̮̦͉O͉̬͔̯̫͙̥̥N̟͉͇͔͇͖̲̱̬L̩͍̻̥̗̘Y͍͈̥̪̙͓̪ ̘̙B͎̼͍E̻̝͖̳̯͔̬͉C̦̗͙̦̳̘͔̼A̲̜͇͉U͚̘̟̯S̮̳E͙͍ ͖͈͍͎͖͓͔͓̘T̝̙͍H̠̺̩̤̯E̞̣̻̬̖̩̼͚͎ ̲̹̣͚̗͍D͕͉̯̹̮͇U͈̳̥͇̮̠̘ͅM̖̞͍B͔̼̳̰̫͔̠̦̫ ̤̳͕̫͔̟D͇̙̜ͅE̻̜͉͖͍A̪̹̜͇̘L̫̦͔ ̙̺̥̬M̬̮̤̥̞͇̗̦ͅA̟͉̝̠̲̹̗K̩̖͈Ẹ̝̪̩S̖̭̣ ̼͔̹̟̖̠̩͎̞M̠̠̜̟̮̝E͎̬͎͔̲,͈̟ ̦̱͔͕G̣̙̖̘͎̥͉̫O̖̠̼̱͇͕͉T̲͖̦̣͙̫̗̯̪ ͇T̼̣̟̜͈͖͇H̥̤͈̜̫̳͕̤̗A͓̣͎̹̼͙̩͕̝T̪̞̩,͔͕͎̖͚̠ ̯̟̫͓̘S̼̮͚͈̮͇̺T̙̱̫̮̖̪͕̣ͅA̭̺͕̳͓̯̝̬̩R͕͙̯͓͙-̺̝E̼͙͙͉̦Y̤̖E̱͉̼͔̱̤͎S̩͇͈͙̮?̥̻̺͈̯̬̙"

"Okeydokey, Mister Cipher!" Wander grinned. "Hey, Syl? May I have my banjo please?"

Sylvia looked at his eyes. Bill was definitely still there, but he seemed to be content to observe at the moment. "Alright, buddy, but at the first sign of trouble, we get outta here. Okay?"

"Okay, Syl!" Wander smiled, taking his banjo out and tuning it.

Bill tried not to internally puke at the sappiness of all of this.

(He failed.)

(Miserably.)

Wander started strumming a few major chords.

C, G7. C, G7. C, D7, G7, C.

_"Widdle ol' baby, it's middle of spring,_

_"Hear my voice now, as I start to sing,_

_"I will protect you, through thick and thin,_

_"From demons without, and demons within."_

Sylvia caught Bill grabbing control of Cider's left eye and giving her a look of "what the heck is going on???"

Sylvia just grinned knowingly and gestured for him to let Wander sing.

After a few verses, the baby calmed down and beamed at Cider and Sylvia.

"Thanks, Syl. Here's my banjo fer safekeepin'." Wander turned to Sylvia and handed it to her.

Bill took control. "I̺̦̼̹͙ ̭̮͔̥͓W̝̜̹̜̹O̜͕͍̤̼̻̭͎U̦̜̱̻͇̘L̰̱͈̖̦̮͉̠D̤ ͇D͙͚̬̼͙E̗͎̼͚̱̤̤̩S̫͔T̮̭̹͉̯̖̤͖R̤͔̬̘͔͇̜ͅỌ̭͕̪͍̙̬̱̝Y̜͍̱͓̣ ̗̹̞̖̼̱̞T̥̻͍͚̞͙̖H̪̱̟̗̱͙ͅA̬̩̦̥̹T͔ ̟͇̣̫̫T̜̘̗͔H̦I̠̦̰̰N͍̤͕G̩̻͉͈͔̻͙,̮̱̫͙͈ ͇͎̳̥̯̫̗B̯̯͖̥̰U̻̜͔T͇̺̻̝̻͔̤ ̹͉A̰͉͇̼͙P̜͔͓̰̩̻̜P͖̘̯͈̱A̰͚̳͖̲R̲͚͇̫̗̪͔E̥̭̙̗N͚̟̘͔̻̤T̟̼̫̤̫L̯̥̱Y͚͕̭̗ ͓̜̞̱̫͉͔͕T̯̯͈̰̜̙̹̝H͉̙̣A̰̖͎̼̥̦̞T̞̯̮͖̱̰̠̼̖ ͉͎̻̳̤͙ͅW̯̳̜̰̲O̻̠̭̠̳̙U̗L̹̲̰͈͚͕͈̙D̗̞̳̪Ṉ͈'͕̰̯T̮̣͍ ̞͍̮B͇̙E̥̳ ̜̗͚̫̖̹̱͓̬H̤̜̝E̟̗̼͚̘͈L̫̼͍P͕͕̖F͚̤̻U͙̩̯L̙͇̠͙͍.͙͓͙̫̘" He eyed the banjo with disgust.

"No, no it wouldn't, Cipher." Sylvia flatly stated.

Before Bill could counter, the baby started whimpering again. "Uhhn, NA'-NA'! Wawa, Sihba, na'-na!"

"Huh," Sylvia noted, "it almost sounds like the baby wants a snack."

The side of Cider's face Bill controlled curled up in a grimace while Wander's side started cooing at the baby.

"Come on, Baby We Really Need To Find A Name For, let's find breakfast!" Wander cheered.

Sylvia straightened Wander's hat on her head before picking up the baby. "Sounds like a plan to me, buddy! We need to show Cipher today's food, like jellyfish pie!"

While Wander gagged at the thought, Bill caught Sylvia smirking at him.

Fine. He knew she didn't like him. She knew he didn't like her.

So be it, then.

\-----

The moment the threeorfoursome walked into Bloyd's Diner, all conversation stopped as the employees took them in.

They knew Sylvia, they knew Wander, and they knew something was off about the second as soon as they saw him.

"Ahem, table for three, please." Sylvia broke the silence first.

"Right this way." A Fuusenian waitress led them to an empty booth, then asked them, "Would yalls like somethin' ta drink before I get yalls the menu?"

Sylvia gave Cider a pointed look, clearly expecting him to keep his cool, before answering. "I'll have Stularian Shmorgel juice, and the baby can have Dajna milk."

Cider seemed conflicted, then Wander said, "Might we have a glass of delectable Ginish juice?" with a grin.

"Sure thing, hun. I'll be back with menus and drinks, then." The waitress-Darla, according to her uniform-walked off to the next group.

Sylvia gave everyone in the diner a quick glance before quietly telling Cider, "We really need to name the baby, or get it to someone who will."

"Aw, Sylvia, maybe she has her name on her somewhere! S̤͚̙ḪE̙̩̞?̹̬͉̜͓ Yeah, she! I'm good with telling those sorts of things!" Cider told her.

(The internal conflict and the fact it didn't take as long to switch personas weren't missed by Sylvia.)

"Well, we'll have to check after we get our food." Sylvia told them.

For a while, they sat in mostly silence while the baby gurgled happily. Then the waitress came back with the menus, and everything just went downhill from there.

* * *

"Oh, huns, I brought yalls your drinks 'n' menus!" Darla beamed to the group.

Cider smiled back, all Wandery, and replied, "Why, thank ya kindly, Miss Darla!"

Sylvia grinned nervously, taking the menus and handing Cider one. "Yeah, thanks Darla. We shouldn't take too long to decide, right,  _buddy_?"

Cider blinked, then Bill smirked. "O̖̥̝̞̟͉̩F͇͔̦̦̪͍ ̜̖̙C̩̘O͎̣͎̖̘͙̺U̗ͅR͙SE̯͔̭̬̤̤͈,̲ ͙̹͚̰̟ _F̜̩͍̯̳͉RI͈̰E̘̲͚͍N̯̘̤̯D̞̺_.̲͕̟̣ ͉L̯̪̺E̦̲͈͚T̹'͇̤͉̟̭ͅS ̺̦̬NO͓͎͙̞̻̤T̞͉͕̤̱ ͍̭̼T͕͔͎̪͍A̼KE̩̺͇͉̠̹̩ ͎̮U̦̥̣̬̣̜̰P͈̗̖̘ ̺̳A̝͈̱̞̞̺N͕̲Y̱̳͇͔̙̗̩ ̝̝̰̭M̤̻̖̫O̘̯̤R̭̞͕E̥̞̮̥̟͚ ̜͍̩O͙͇̳̩̥F T̙͓͉̘H̠̲̗̦̻E̪̺̞S̻̻͉E̲ ̳ _W̠̙̩̺͕O̯̬̹͕̠͈N͖͔D̟E͖͖̘͚͖̙̙R͍̱̬̣̙F̪̺̭͔U͚̠̬̥̭͉̥L̜_ ͈̤̟̞͖̤̭P̮͙̭̼E̫͖̮͎̠̜O͔̪͙̱̺͕P̻̥L̼̺E̜̟'̦͚̬̤͓̘S̙̘̗͉ͅ ͎̮T͖̮I̦̩̤M̺̰͔̲͕͕E̯͖,̘̬̼ͅ ͅ _S̤̠̱̟H̱͉͕AL̝̪L̩̩̹̮̞͍̪_ ͇͇͕̥ͅ _W͎̺̭E̗͔͉_?̝̠̣̠̞͖"

Unaware of the rising tensions, Darla pulled out a notepad and pencil. "So, what'll it be, darlin's?"

Sylvia tore her gaze away from Cider to answer. "Yes, um, I'll have a slice of your jellyfish pie, and the baby'll have mashed Shurfanis."

"Got it! And what'll you be havin', sugar?" Darla turned to Cider.

He blinked, and Wander forced out a "Ferrilian beans, please" in a dry, raspy voice.

Darla took it down, then declared, "I'ma bring yall a nice cuppa lemon tea for that cough waitin' to happen, too. On me." before heading to the kitchen.

"Cider! What the florp?!" Sylvia hissed.

Wander coughed a bit, then gave her a worried look. "I'm sorry, Syl, but I think Mister Cipher's tryna cause some mass chaos in the diner! A̰̗̹͕̼ͅM͉͓͙̲͓͉̠̹ ̩̱̣̠͔̝ͅN̫̙̙̫̱̘̯O̫̭͖͇̬̬̻̦̫T̲̮̜̩!̖̭̦ ̦͍̝I͚̪̻̗͚̩̪T̫̯̱̩͍̪̼͉'̖̰͉̫S͔ ̖̖̰T̻̩̹͈͓̭H̠̣̬̘Ḛ̥̩̯͎̣̪ ̝̮̗̞̦̮͕ͅF̯̬̭A̹̫͙̭͍̭C͖̯T̙͚͔̫ ̹̰̲̥͔̮̭̞T͈͍̹͕̻̖H͖̝̺͕̹̘A͓̱T̪͙͈̩ͅ ̼T͎͖̻̤͖̖̩H̗͖͕͎͔E͕̳̻R̗̞̠͓͓̳E̟̭̟ ͈̺̦̜̦̜̞̥͖A̺͖̺̺̗R̹̼̫̬ͅE̟͖ ̖͓͍͇̦͓T̰̻͖W̥̳̮̜̗̗͕Ọ͚̻ͅ ̭͉̞̜̗̝̭ͅO̮̗̬F̗͖̠̺͓̻̬͉̰ ̭̪̦̞͖͔̣U̻͍̰̝̟ͅS̗͈ ̪̥̬͈̝̩̗I̼̫͍̗̻N̮̺̙̹͖͖̩̭̭ ̳̭͎̘̺̙ͅH̯̯̲̯̮̼̞E̟̗̫R̯̙E̠̹,̣̯̹͕͓ ͉̲̘̖̭S̞̰Ṱ̥̝̹̤͇A͈̭̦̜̥̰͍R̩̱͕͉ͅ-̝͚̖E̩͓Y͎̦̜̞E̖͔̣S̙̫̭!̫̳ ̻̭̯̥ͅP̹̙̬̻̖̳̞ͅA̺͕R̳̩̺̜̗T͚̱͎̞S͉͍͇̯̫͈ ̥̫̞̳̰O̩͍̭͓̘̣F̻̹ ̪̞̜̫̥M̜̮Y̠ͅ ͎̣͉͍̭͖̥P͓̟͎̹̮̱E̞͕̲̮̗͇͕R̤͈ͅS͚̫̝O̠̟͙̩̟N̠A̺͈L̯̻͈͕̯̠̞I̻T͎͈̟̙Y̪̞̞̤̼̤̰ ̞̞̤̫̫̰̰A̳͎͉̠R̥̜E̲ ͎̫̯͔S͚E͓͚̣͈͕͖̪E̩̯͈̝̦̘̤P̟͇̥͉͎͙I̤̣Ṉ̝̝̰͓ͅͅG̘̯̞͈ ̦̳͕̟I̙̭͎N̘̫̖̗͚͈̱̙T͙͕̺̻̩̫̻͙O̲̺̫̦ ̞̰Y͓̝͈̜̺͈͚̥O̮̩̭̼U͎͇̲̟̘̗̞̤̖R̜̮̫̦̞̟̲̲S͇͙̭!͍͙̖̞̩̤"

Sylvia had another major 'grop-save-me-my-life-is-ridiculous' moment, then said, "Ugh, fine, we'll take this on the road." She started wiping drool off the baby's face with a napkin.

Cider could see Darla heading their way with the food when the door of the diner slammed open.

Everyone in the diner turned to look the newcomer in the eyes.

Or rather, eye.

"I need 10000 orders of cheeseburgers and a GalaCola, to go!" shouted Commander Peepers.

Darla sidled over to the booth table to drop the food off, then hurried to the door, notepad in hand. "Would that be a Diet GalaCola, a Lite, a New, or a Classic?"

"Classic!" Peepers clarified.

"That'll cost yalls 100006 papers and 18 coins." Darla noted.

Peepers just rolled his eye. "Or we could just not destroy your precious little diner."

The customers and employees alike turned to the window where the Skullship's deathray was poised.

Darla hurried back to the kitchen after conceding, "Or yalls could just not wreck my pa's diner."

Sylvia yanked Cider and the baby under the table. "Flarping-why are they ALWAYS where we are?"

Cider turned thoughtful Wandery eyes to the kitchen, then Cipher asked, "W͕̮͎̹͚̱͕̥̫H̤̮̗O͕̳̭̞̰ ̖͖A̰͇̗̱̞̠̭̜R͓͙E̹̰̱̦̜͈ ̩̜T̹̥̝̲H͓̪͈͚̼E͔͙Y̭?͕̣̱"

"Oh, that's Commander Peepers, but Wander just calls him C-Peeps. He works under Lord Hater, formerly Greatest In The Galaxy, and over the rest of Hater's Watchdog Army. Why is he ordering takeout, though?" Sylvia explained.

"Maybe Hater wanted some lunch before he went back to figuring out what to do about Lord Dominator? D̞̤̠̮̦͍ͅO͉̱̺͚̲M̦̠͔̱͇I̖̭N̲̞̰̬̼̺A̙͓͖͇̪̺̭T̙̪̬O͕̥̙̰͈R̝͓͈ͅ?̯̬̻͎̻ ͓̜W̰̠̼̼͇H̝͇̠̣̝O͇̜̬̬'̮̭͚̝̖͓S̗͈̼̫̗̤̙̱ ̥̪̻̯D͈̗̺̙̟̼̣O̱̗M̤̠̘̗͙̬̤I̜̬̜̰̙͕N̟͉A͕̦͍̬͙T̥͉O͇̞̹̬̬͙͉̘R͇?͓͓̱͖" Cider asked. Then, to answer Bill, Wander said, "Lord Dominator is a lady villain who wants to destroy the galaxy. I think I can get through to her, though."

Sylvia glanced out at the main area, where C-Peeps was impatiently tapping his foot. "Okay guys, Peepers is over there waiting for his HUGE order. We could hide out under the table until he's gone, but that would get cramped REAL quick and I don't think the baby can stay still for long enough."

Both of Cider's personalities nodded at her wisdom, even if one was reluctant.

"But, and this is big, if we head to the kitchen to help speed thing up, we might get spotted anyway. Also Baby might drool in the food." Sylvia added.

Again Cider nodded.

The baby turned to the kitchen and started crawling to it, managing to keep out of Peepers's vision.

"Ẉ̣̮͉̗E͔̮͍̯̼̫̪ͅL͚̺͉L̰̫̰̫̪,͈͉̲͖̯͇͍ ̳̬T̼͈̣̖̱̣H̜̘͇̫̬A̻̟̠̘̩͚̤ͅT̥̫̹͇̪̖̫̦̣ ̣̜̪̮̤̻ͅS͉͇E̞̜̝̯̬̼̹T̻̬̠͚Ṭ̦̻̞̻̭̫̻L̬̣̪̹͙E͍̞̮̝̯̺͚̜S̟̣̮͍ ̤͉͚I͍͇̖͍͖͖̘T̥̝͓͕͙͉͕!͚̙̮" Bill grinned. "L̦͉̰E̙T̖̰̤͎̹͉̫'͉ͅS̘̙̭̺̼ ̜͉̘̤̲̠̮̘G̜͕̳̟̯͖͎E̦̦̝̣̼͔͉̝T͇̻̟̼̱̲ ͔̣̻͕̥O̥͇̦͔̬̹U̟̲̤̞̘̘̩̻R̯̜ͅ ̬̗͍̹͚̯̖̬C͉̖̟̫H̳̘̗͕̜͚Ạ̝͈͙̘̮̥O͓̞̠͔ͅT̼̺̫͖͙̪I̜͚͔C̖̖̖̲ ̮̠̗͓O̠͔̲͓̯͎̯N̺̗͙͍͔ͅ!͉̦̲̦̜" Cider set off to the kitchen after the baby.

Sylvia sat there watching the others stay hidden, only saying, "That's one smart baby," before following after them.

* * *

Darla turned to her slowly-growing pile of finished orders. "Oh dear, I may have a problem." She wiped her face with a wet towel, then set about cooking up the next cheeseburgers when-

"Why, howdy!"

Darla spun (oh gropdangit there went a patty) to face the adorable orange puffball from table 3.

"Oh, heya hun. Was there anythin' yall needed?" Darla visibly relaxed after the initial shock.

The customer shook his head no. "Nuh-uh, Miss Darla! We actually came back here to help ya crank out those burgers for C-Peeps!" He made to shake her hand, but thought better of it when he noticed she was still working on food.

"We?" Darla faltered.

"Well, yeah! Folks call me Wander, this is Sylvia," Wander pointed to a blue zbornak keeping a baby from touching the cheese, "that's a baby that we don't know the name of yet, and then there's Mister Cipher in my brain!"

Darla gaped. "C-Cipher..? As in B-Bill Cipher..?"

"H͈͚͇̣̻͖A͉͔̳̜̣͓H͕͙A̬̩̮̤͔̘H̹̟͔̪A̰̞̤̺̗ͅ!̟͍̯̻̮ ̜͓̟͈O̞͓̤̥̙Ṉ̭̖̺E̦͈ ̜̫̦A̭̤͎̙N̫̲̤̙Ḓ̤̲ͅ ̦̥T̜̰̰H͕̣͙E̗̟͍̤̖ͅ ̣͚͚̼̮S̝̤̖̳̫A̤̲͖̭ͅM͕̣͕E̲,̫͍ ͚ͅA̲̻P̤̦ͅR̦̲̖͖̬̬͚̯O͕N͚̭̬̪͓̰͎̺͔!̮͖͍͖" Wander smirked, his eyes suddenly more sinister.

Before Darla could freak, Sylvia walked over. "Don't worry too bad, Darla. He's there, but Wander did his thing, and now he can only help."

"U̺̣N̦̜̠̲F̳O͖̳̜̤̗̮͙R̖̖̬͚̲͔̦T̯̹̖̠̝̥̝U̘͍̠̪͎̭̥͓̠N̟̬̣̻̫̳̤A͇͚̩̝̟̯̹T̮̞E̹̮͚͔͍L̜͉͕̯͈Y̺͍̩̺̲.͙͇̙̫̭̭̺͇.͚̣̖͈̣̖̺.̙̭̝͔"

Darla held a tentacle-hand up to her head. "Urgh, yalls are crazier'n a kid on Carolmas. I won't turn down yall's help, though."

Wander suddenly grinned like he had before. "Thank ya kindly, Miss Darla. We won't let ya down!"

Wander pulled a hairnet large enough for his whole body from the hat Sylvia was wearing while Sylvia herself kept the baby occupied, then they got to work.

* * *

Peepers glared at his watch.

How much longer was he supposed to wait?!

He looked around at all of the diner's fearful customers.

Funny, he could have sworn he saw a baby over at that table when he walked in.

He went to investigate and found three orders of food, nearly untouched.

Mashed Shurfanis splattered all over the end of the table, even getting stuck in the straw in a cup of-Peepers sipped it-Dajna milk.

Ferrilian beans, in a little bowl next to a glass of what looked to be Ginish juice.

Stularian Shmorgel juice, next to a platter of-

"Jellyfish pie!" Peepers gasped.

Jellyfish pie was only edible (and good-tasting) to Zbornaks.

Ginish juice-something Peepers had seen Wander drinking occasionally.

And any food being thrown around pretty much  _screamed_ baby food.

Commander Peepers spun around to look in the kitchen and saw what he expected.

There was Wander in a full-body hairnet, Sylvia keeping some random baby out of trouble, and the waitress he had commandeered to fill the army's order!

Oh, man. On one hand, he could try and capture Wander and therefore eliminate the one thing distracting Hater every time he tried to conquer a planet.

On the other, he could just pretend he never saw the wandering weirdo and go about his day, but Wander would inevitably show up again.

First option, then.

As he stormed into the kitchen, Peepers noticed Wander wasn't wearing that gropforsaken hat, Sylvia was. Weird.

Wander was humming a happy tune as Peepers approached from behind him.

" _Hello, I opened my window, and whispered it all out to the wind_

_"How are you, I used to have no one, but that's not true now"_

Peepers grabbed Wander, then suddenly he was on his back on the other side of the room.

"L͔̖̟̝̙͎̞̯͇̙͔͖̙̪̜̞̮E͎͈̝̠͙̬̪͉̱͖͕̫ͅA̱̯͉̯̗͈̯̗̰͚̺̣̰̦V͚̲̟̠E̗͈̬̳̯̣̪̱̘̪̻̝̩ͅ ̬̠̥͉̹͙͍̰͍̺̱̻ͅT̤̬̯̺̻̯̩H̬͕͎͉̝͚̬͚͔͈̼̼̹̫̼͚E̼̣͕̦͈̣̤ ͚͚̯̥͈̲̠̙̯̙M̟͕̞͖̱̱̲E̜͙̙͚̼̖̙̼̮ͅA̩͎̜̱͎͖̥͖T̙̜͎͔̹͉̗̲̻͇S̲̟͉̼͈͖̲̻͍̪A̲̼͓̳̬̞̣̲͚̱̼̥̳͓͓C̞͍̜ͅͅK̫͙̯̬͚̭̘̤̙̫͇̞͍͈̹̠̘ ̫̳̲̳̝̩A̹͙̹͕̳ͅL̼͉̪̟̪̯̭̼O̖̫͔̩͈̩̲̠͙̺̹̼̱͔̥̪̪͇ͅN̺̰͚͎͉̣̫̟̲͙̲͈ͅE͕͍̫̰̰̲̘̞̲̣̫͓̪̦̯̠̣̭!͚͖̘͉̖̲̳̮͎̘̜̣̣ ̟̜͈̭͓̣̳̻T̰̠̭̖̜̤̦͈̗̟̟͉̠̘̩͖ͅH̻̬͇̳Ḙ͖̺͚͍͉̬̫̱̲̪̩̜R̩͍͔͉̖̖̫̦̲̣̦E̱̺̫͚'̺̲̮̱ͅS͖̜̙̱̲̤̦͚͓̠̹̩̼ ̥͕̠̗̰̙̻̮E̝̳̮̯̮̺̻͔̺N̬̰̞̟͔̙O͎̲̺̦͚̰̯̱̱̬Ụ̤̦̘̞͔̯̝͙͉͈̙̠͚ͅG͔̙͖̟̳H̰̭̠͇̰͔͈̯̰͔̯̝̤̺͎̪̦ͅ ͓̦̹̳͚̣͉̗͕͈͓̬̰͔̖̯C̯͍̯̜̭̼̩̤̦͓̹̼̗͓̖̞ͅR̼̬̭̫̯̣̼̭̪̱̝̟A͓̝̞͍͚Z̮͕͉̼̺͕̳ͅY͈̞̙̫̤̳̬̜̦̺͉ ̣̗̱͉̼̤̺͖̹̰̥̟̹̲I͉͚͖̖̘N̠̤͙̘̪̦͕̤̘̜ ̲͔̱̱̠̤̩̜͓͔͕̠̣̝͈̥͎̜H͎̣̳̟̮̲͕̲̭E͔̙̳͚̥͓̥̝̣̺̮̹͖R̬͍̺̖̯̯̯͍̮̻̭͚ͅE̪̯̗͚̠͔̗̼ ̣̰̙̙̭̖̝̲͇̳͖̤͉̠̼̠͖ͅA̹̗͚̥͙̖̝̮̭̰̣̩̱S͓̭̦̱ ̪̙̮̗̙̹I̙̫̱̤̦̙T̟̜̟̩̜̬͔͖̙͓͈̠͇̦̜ͅͅ ͍̘̮̬̼͈̗̳͓̻̥I̩̖͇̻̞̼̦̞̥̗S̙̥̘̗̬͔̠̘̫̼,͕̙͕̻̜̮͎͎̘̝̻͓̬̺̲̩̣ͅͅ ̠͔͙̼̦L̦̲̞̰͖̣̗͇͈͓̮I͉̟̫̭̗͚͖G̯̮͍͓̥͔H̝͖͖̝͙̟̫͖̰̩͚T̯̟̣͚̦̲̟N͙̰̦̼̟͎̝̼̱̰͚ͅI͓̰͖͖̻̲̜̹͇̹̺͖̪̗̰̜ͅN͕͍̭̣̬̹̯̙̘͈̗G̮̠̙̫͓̬͇̤̼͇̪̟̥͉͎̘ ̳̞̠͍͓͍̼͎̝̖̱̬̤ͅB̥͉̩̞͙̳̫͙̗͙͇ͅO̫̭̻͈̫̳͎̙͕͈̤̘͔ͅL̘̯̮̱̯̬͇̭̦̲̗͚̰̬̙̙͖̖T͖̮͙̼!̳̙̞̲̜̩͓̻̗" Wander growled(?!?!?!) before turning back to the food.

_"Morning, looks like it's raining now, I'd best have an umbrella today_

_"Tick, tock, nobody here knows how to wind up broken toys..."_

Peepers cautiously glanced at Sylvia. "What...was that?!"

" _That_ , oh nemesis of mine, was what I was trying to avoid." she groaned. "Let's just say that Wander's trying to help the most hopeless case in the galaxy.

Over his shoulder, Wander's Hopeless Case told him, "T͓H̘̘̖͚̖ͅE̹̞̗͍̰̮͖͎ ̘̻Ṋ͙̺̳̝̰̤A̲̤̟̺M͓̗͕̫͔ͅE̪̠̬ͅ'̟̠̳̞̗̬ͅS̟̭̜̬͓ͅ ̩͍̭̞B̭͖̱I̗͚͎͔̟̹͉͍L̞̝͔L͍̭̺̻̮̻͈ ̤͕̺̯͉͎͖ͅC̼̦͖̳͍ͅI̭̖P̦̗̫͔̥̪̳H̯͖̼͔͍E̥̙̤R͉͇̻!̥ ̪̲̩͎N̬͍̭͎͉̫̭O͈͚T͙͈̫̤̗ ̰̭̥̭T͕͇H̠̝̤A͖͙̘Ṯ̦̭̲̠͇͚ͅ ̱̬̳̤͉̱̬̙͉I̫̝̹͙̞̦̜̼T̠̠̰̪̼͎͓̝͖ ̥̯͈D̯̱̤̜̫̪̘͙O̝̺̠͕̯̫E̗̣̫̖̮̳̜S̼̤̺̻̹ ̙̙̝̙͚̗̜̬M̪̲Ḙ͇̘̥̝̹̘ ̙̞̟̦̺̼͎̫A̼̼͙̩͖͚̺̳N͇͔̲͓͖Y̜͚ ̣̦͖̮̬͔̲̳̳G̯̪O͙̠̺͍͚͉̰̝̜O̖̘̦Ḍ̤̫̹͍̝̦̝ ̭̩̳R͍̱̩͎͕I̻͉G͔̻̗̪̰̼̩H̦͉̻ͅT̫̖̭ ̩N̬̘̥̝O̺̣̣͎̹̺̱W̼͕͕͖̟!̲͎̞̟̪̬͕"

Peepers blinked. "Wait, WHAT?!"

"You heard him-er, them-no, him-GAAAH FLARPING CIPHER UGH!!!" Sylvia held her hand up to her head to ward off any headaches she might get now.

Peepers blinked again.

Wander turned back to Peepers, this time more himself. "I'm really sorry you got so confused, C-Peeps. I̗̠̰'̙̝M̤̱̤ ̗̯̝̫̦̠N͔O͚̩̯̹̺̜T̺!̫ Mister Cipher, I wasn't done yet! P̜B͍̘͍F͍B̠̜͈͎͍F̗̣̭͕T̙̹̬̺ ͕͉̫̣A̩̫̝͉̫̣S͉͕ ̪̗̦̦̪͕I̟̪͖͎F̣̯̣͇̗̻̩ ̩̭̬I͔̟̮ ̹̩̣C͎̬͉̭̟͓̦̮͙A̲͓̭̪̙R̗̗̥͚̞̺Eͅ!̺̫̘͙̫͓̻̻ Ahem. Well, on the upside, your cheeseburgers are ready to go!" Wander grinned, pointing to the gigantic pile of burgers behing him.

Darla walked over to Peepers. "And here's yall's GalaCola. Classic."

Peepers just took the soda and the wagon the food was on (courtesy of Wander...or Cipher???) back to the Skullship.

When Peepers had woken up that day, he had prepared for every scenario he could possibly imagine.

This was not something he was ready for.

Son of a gun, how did that whole thing even work?

...this was going to have to be explained to Hater.

...Hater, the guy who would take any excuse to go after Wander instead of anything else.

...oh boy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to tumblr's findingbugatlantis for being amazing!!!
> 
> Fxwh zlggoh edeb, rq wkh Eloowrs  
> Wkh ghprq jurzv, zkloh Zdqghu fdqqrw  
> Vboyld'v euhdn pljkw qrw frph dw doo  
> Dqg grzq idoov edeb, hqglqj lw doo
> 
> Zlggoh ro' edeb, lw'v plggoh ri vsulqj  
> Khdu pb yrlfh qrz, dv L vwduw wr vlqj  
> L zloo surwhfw brx, wkurxjk wklfn dqg wklq  
> Iurp ghprqv zlwkrxw, dqg ghprqv zlwklq


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